[B.J.] Who's that on shovel number three?
- Salkowitz. - Nice style.
He's a magician with latrines and cesspools.
Salkowitz! A little deeper on that end. That's where Major Burns sits.
Burns is so full of enthusiasm.
- Well, how's the new latrine coming? - Another Taj Mahal.
- You gonna be here for the opening? - I've never missed one.
I bless all new construction.
- There's a blessing for a new latrine? - I'll wing it.
- [Bombs Exploding] - The war's louder today.
- I asked them to hold it down. - Try banging on the pipes.
You know, this is my first latrine digging.
Really? You ought to come downtown more often.
This won't hurt a bit.
##[Klinger Humming]
- Sewing? - Yeah, I lost a button off my pants.
- You devil. - Oh, hey, your cigars came.
- Oh, El Redondos. - Are they good?
Havana cigars made in Newark by Puerto Ricans.
- Wow. Expensive? - Eight bucks a box, and limited.
I get one box a year. The rest goes to Milton Berle...
Nelson Rockefeller and Bishop Sheen.
Ahh, the aroma of gracious living. Smell it?
Yeah, I'd like to. I never been to New Jersey.
Sniff it like an excellent dollar bottle of wine.
A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body...
who also knows the American League box scores.
- On the floor? - It's strong enough to walk away by itself.
- When you gonna light it? - Oh, that's about right.
- [Phone Ringing] - 4077 MASH. Corporal O'Reilly...
Hey, Sparky. How you doing? How's things down at H.Q.?
- You got a U.S.O. Show, huh? - Bob Hope and broads?
- Dobritch's dogs. - Just our luck.
- [Man Coughing] - [Radar] They coming up here?
I won't tell anybody. Honest. Go ahead. Yeah? Yeah?
Oh, no, I won't tell anybody, Sparky.
- Okay, I'll be talking to ya. - What can't you tell anybody?
We're having a practice bug-out. Moving ten miles down the road.
- You mean tear down all the tents and move? - Klinger, don't tell anybody.
- My lips are sealed. - Whew! This foul air.
I'm glad we're diggin' a new latrine.
Major Burns. Don't say anything.
- Don't tell me not to say anything. - I haven't said it yet.
- What is it, Klinger? - It's a secret.
- Well, then spit it out. - We're due for a bug-out.
Retreating?
How dare you spread rumors we're retreating, rumormonger!
- Would I "mong" you? - It's treason.
Anybody who would say America would retreat is not army.
Who says I'm army? I'm delicatessen.
And don't ever spread rumors again. Tittle-tattle will lose the battle.
A slip of the lip can sink a ship.
He's brighter than I thought.
- We know something you don't know. - Major Houlihan is a brunette?
- Garbage head. - Takes one to know one.
- May I join the conversation? - Keep it short.
- Hi. - That's short.
Guess what's happening.
- Santa Claus is coming to town. - He is not!
- And we spent all that money on tinsel. - We're bugging out. Retreating.
A battalion of North Koreans is headed this way.
Frank, is this something you've been dreaming, or has the major been talking in her sleep?
Another garbage head.
- Two garbage heads are better than one. - When are we supposed to bug out?
Any minute. It's top secret. We don't want enlisted personnel to know we're retreating.
Why, aren't they invited?
## [Singing]
Oh.
Howdy, Padre. Take it easy. Water's cold as a witch's thorax.
- Well, I feel a lot better. - You haven't even turned on the water.
No, but you're in such a good mood, it just can't be true.
- What can't be true? - That we're bugging out.
Bugging out? What are you talking about?
As I understand it, an entire battalion of Chinese paratroopers...
- is supposed to drop in on us within a few hours. - Horse hockey!
Excuse me. It's just another rumor.
Like last week, the Radio City Rockettes were supposed to play here.
What did we get? An Italian sissy who played "Valencia" with his armpit.
## [Singing]
## [Humming]
## [Singing]
- Incoming wounded, sir. - Get my pants.
- Underwear? - I'll fake it.
- Yes, sir. - Wounded come before personal chafing.
- What's the story? - Where have you been?
- I was putting on some toilet water, and the seat fell down. - You wiseacre.
Well, you want me to smell nice, don't you?
- Alice! Alice! - Let me go! Let me go!
Give him a break, Alice. You're the first woman he's seen in months.
- B.J. - Yeah, Colonel?
- Take this hip. - Right.
- Where you from, soldier? - Connecticut.
Connecticut. Two N's. Got it right in a spelling bee once.
Won a wax pistol full of grape juice.
Colonel. The guy back there.
Hell's bells. Pierce.
Yo.
- What is it, Colonel? - Shot in the back. Can't move his legs.
Spinal cord injury. Can we get a neurosurgeon from the 8063rd?
- No chance. - He needs a laminectomy.
- You've just changed specialities. - You always give me the cuties.
Well, I sure as hell ain't gonna give this one to Alice.
Looks like shrapnel in the spinal canal.
If I go in, we won't be able to move that kid for 24 hours.
Those bone fragments could lacerate the cord.
- So? - The bug-out.
- Chinese paratroopers and tanks coming, four divisions. - Crock of beans!
- You called me, Colonel? - No.
I'm gonna scotch this one once and for all. I'll call General Hamilton at "l" Corps.
- He's a big shot. - He owes me. I sent him a case of Preparation H.
Anything for the rear echelon.
That's right. General Hamilton.
Colonel Potter calling. 4077 MASH.
- Get him, Radar? - He's coming, sir.
- He was watching them wash his jeep. - Spit and polish.
General Hamilton? Yes, one minute for Colonel Potter, sir.
He's coming to the phone now.
Binky? Sherm.
Oh, the missus is just fine. She's stateside playing bingo with the Catholics.
Last month she won some talcum powder and a carton of Wings.
How's Marie? Uh-huh.
You just tell her to soak that thing every night in warm boric acid solution.
In the meantime, one earring doesn't look bad on a woman her age.
Bink, level with me. We've got some scuttlebutt goin' around.
Give it to me straight. Are we supposed to bug out?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
That's straight, Bink? Emmis?
We're stayin' put? Good.
That's all I wanted to know. What?
Oh, you're welcome. There's plenty more where that came from.
Just don't sit on anything cold.
Well, thanks, Bink. You too, General.
- Radar! - There's no bug-out.
- I'll tell Hawkeye to start. - We're not bugging out. Go down to pre-op...
and tell Hawkeye to get started on that back surgery.
Moving, on the double.
- Is he under? - [B.J.] In the bosom of Abraham.
[Hawkeye] Let's hope Abe washed his hands.
- Why didn't you put the X ray where I can see it? - [Margaret] I'm sorry, Doctor.
[B.J.] Got it.
[Hawkeye] Yeah, what a business.
And I could have worked in Uncle John's car lot.
Fifty bucks a week and all the Studebakers you could eat.
- Osteotomes. - Ready, Doctor.
- [Patient Moaning] - Give him some more juice. This is why you get big money.
- I thought I'd given him enough. - Don't think. Be sure.
[B.J.] I'm sorry.
[Sighs] All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's go in. Retractors.
- Ready, Doctor. - Whole blood?
- Plenty. - Okay, you guys.
Time to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud.
Attention!
At ease, smart "aleckos."
This latrine was supposed to be dug last night.
- Why, sir? We're buggin' out. - Colonel Potter called General Hamilton.
We are not going to bug out. So get busy.
I'd like to start the holidays with a fresh latrine.
- I want it a foot deeper over here. - Your end, sir?
Never mind my end. Dig!
Your lunch, sir. And Cho Man Chin is outside.
Cold Spam on dry bread?
- The kitchen's all packed up for the bug-out, sir. - Bug-out, my butt.
And tell Cho Man Chin I'm not interested in aluminum siding.
- I thought you were outside. - Was outside. Now inside.
Sir, should I bodily remove him?
He'd bite your neck and give you the gleet.
Colonel go for laugh. No get.
Tell the mess sergeant to get that kitchen back in order. We're not bugging out.
- He'll punch my arm. - Wear your heavy sweater.
So, what are you selling, Cho? Wristwatches that run backwards?
- Sold out. - By the way, those wild boar's tusks turned out to be plastic.
Oh, during wartime you can't even trust animals.
- Get to it. What's the poop? - Real estate. First-class poop.
- Real estate. Next, you'll sell me your mother. - Sold out.
You need property 'cause you moving.
- We're not moving. - Word out, boss. You moving.
I've talked to General Hamilton at Headquarters. We no move. We no move...
My God. Now I'm talking like you.
Here you are, sir.
- Seems to me I've seen that Spam before. - But it's warm now.
- Got the stove set up? - Kept it under my arm.
Pass.
Maybe I should go over to Rosie's Bar and Grill. They have a hot rice dish.
- What's it called? - Hot rice.
Look here, Colonel. Section 24.
Ten acres with view of drainage ditch.
This is the army. We don't buy land. If we want it, we take it.
Highway frontage, yet privacy.
Two trees, one green and one brown.
- No! - You a real challenge.
- Sir, what about the hot rice? - I lost my appetite.
- Throw in Rolaids. - Colonel, sir, I'd like to report malingering.
- Now what? - Men won't dig the latrine 'cause they think we're bugging out.
- That tears it! Radar, sound assembly. - I'll sound assembly.
- You gonna need that land. - Hey, you. That watch you sold me runs backwards.
Try other wrist.
##[Bugling Badly]
[Voice Cracking] Company! Ten-hut!
I can't stand that pimply voice.
- At ease! You people... - [Phone Ringing]
- I'll get the phone. - Get the phone, Radar.
You people have been panicking over a rumor which says...
that the 4077 th is bugging out.
That is grade-A, 100%% bull cookies!
You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt...
is as common as cooties in your Skivvies.
My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland...
and to our resident celibate...
- Father Mulcahy. - Thank you, sir.
My pleasure. Now, you take World War II.
My unit got the word that Nazis dressed as Eskimos...
had overrun Seattle.
Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it...
and began hoarding canned salmon.
Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters.
I've known Bink Hamilton for going on 30 years.
I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton.
Fifteen years old and can name 24 of the 48 states.
Already has an appointment to West Point.
The general has assured me...
there is nothing to worry about.
MASH 4077 is definitely...
bugging out in three hours!
Bug out!
Wait a minute! Uh...
Company, dismissed!
- [B.J.] What do we got? - Multiple fractures...
dural laceration and a hematoma.
[B.J.] Never doubt your X ray or your hairdresser.
- [Radar] Hawkeye! - [Hawkeye] Mask!
- [Radar] We're bugging out in three hours. - Oh, my God. We can't stop now.
If the worst can happen, it will. Pierce's theory of medicine.
[Radar] Everybody's supposed to start packing.
[Hawkeye] Too bad this kid didn't come with a zipper.
- Clamp. - Clamp.
Kelsey, save those tent stakes. We'll need 'em later.
- You sent for me, sir? - Where you been?
- When you sent for me, I thought you were kidding, sir. - I don't kid, skeezix.
- I called you to put you in charge of this bug-out. - Me?
- No choice. You're second in command. - Hot diggity dog!
I'm goin' up in the chopper to scout a new location.
- You ever bugged out before? - Oh, no, sir. Not intentionally.
- Is this a drill, Colonel? - No, it's the real McCoy.
Keep an eye on the patients. Sometimes we lose 'em on these moves.
A human life is more important than a kitchen stove.
Don't recite. Listen. Load in this order.
One, pharmacy; two, lab; three, X ray; four, pre-op; five, O.R., following the last stitch.
- Six, H.Q. ; seven, Mess Tent; eight, post-op. - One, pharmacy...
- Saddle up! - Yes, sir.
- [Explosion] - Golly. The enemy really is coming.
- They ain't playing mah-jongg. Get with it, Burns. - Yes, sir.
Kelsey, forget those tent stakes. We'll make new ones!
Why didn't I shoot my foot and stay in Honolulu?
- [Hawkeye] More suction. - [Margaret] Yeah, right.
- [B.J.] Oozing? - [Hawkeye] Yeah, quite a bit.
Margaret, retract that some more and get the field dry.
[B.J.] Blood pressure's 90 over 60.
- [Hawkeye] When it gets to a hundred, sell. - [Bomb Exploding]
- More blood. - [B.J.] Right.
- [Margaret] Can't they wait? - [B.J.] Looks like the army forgot to pay the rent.
[Hawkeye] Tell 'em the check's in the mail.
[Explosion]
- [B.J.] Sounds like the check just bounced. - Sounds like it blew up.
[Margaret] Why does the war have to be so noisy?
[Hawkeye] That's so you can find it when the lights go out.
[Explosions Continue]
If I get slivers, I'll have your stripes.
- I'm a private. - Don't pull rank on me!
## [Humming]
Bring it back. Straight back, straight back, straight back, straight back.
Left turn, left turn. Let's get that first table up in there.
Guys, grab a hold of this table and get... Hey! Hey!
Can't you idiots watch where you're going? [Screams]
[Blows Weakly]
- Major Burns? - What?
That's not open for business.
[Faint Whistling]
[Hawkeye] Well, we've relieved the pressure. There's nothing more we can do.
- [Margaret] Will we be able to transfer him out of here? - No, not for a while.
- There's too much risk of paralysis. - [Explosion]
[B.J.] The Chinese are knocking at the door.
I don't care who it is. He can't have visitors.
## [Singing]
This tent should have been collapsed half an hour ago.
- Just getting my gear ready for the truck, sir. - You call this gear?
Please, sir! My brocade. It's from the Spiegel catalog.
I always say, "Buy American."
- It's from Chicago. - Oh, sure, like Polish ham. [Chuckles]
These are not official gear, and they'll not be transported...
on a vehicle of the United States army.
I will never give up the Klinger collection.
- Come on, Pokey. Keep up now. - [Bleating]
- Cease! - Whoa. It's okay, Snuffy. It's just Major Burns.
- Where you going with these rodents? - Just gonna put 'em on the truck.
- Negative. - Don't get upset. Just eat your carrot slowly.
Nonexperimental rodents are neither military nor medical...
and they will not be transported on a government vehicle.
- These are my friends, sir. - Soldier, there are no friends in wartime.
- How are they supposed to get to the new MASH? - The guinea pigs can walk.
The rabbit can hop. And the goat... can do whatever it is goats do.
Major Burns, haven't you ever had a pet of your own?
Just a canary. Never sang a note. And it bit me.
Maybe you didn't talk to it right.
Are you telling a doctor how to talk to a bird?
I can't leave 'em here. They might get killed!
If you start to cry, I'll give you a good slap.
Breakfast of champions.
Hawk, I'm staying here with you. But don't get me wrong.
No, no, no. You gotta go ahead and set up the new O.R. I gotta stay and watch the kid.
While you're at it, watch yourself. This place is gonna be under new management.
Well, somebody's gotta hand over the key.
Clap hands. Here comes Charlie.
Nice talking to you, Frank.
- What do you think you're doing, Hunnicutt? - Your nostrils are flaring.
They have a right to flare. I'm in charge.
That disgusting still is not coming to the new location. It's not military equipment.
It's all military equipment. The heating coil is from an ammo truck.
The funnel is from the generator shed. And the filter's made with shredded Skivvies.
Alkie. You'd tear up your underwear for a drink.
I would not. They're yours.
As a unit, that still is nonmilitary and will not be transported by a vehicle.
Oh, yeah? Well, what about your junk, Frank?
- Let's see what you're taking. - Hands off!
- Frank! - It's a gift... for a fellow officer.
- It's not Colonel Potter's size. - You know who it's for, snip.
- Military? A hari-kari dagger? - It's brand new. Never been used.
Do us a favor, Frank. Break it in.
- Where are we? - Due west of Chin Chon.
This is no good. No access road. Go west toward Chuk San.
I'm starvin'. I'd even settle for one of Radar's armpit sandwiches.
[Chuckling] Here.
Land o' Goshen! A real banana. Oh, I can't take this, Barry.
Take it, take it. Look at this.
[Laughing] How on earth did we get off the ground?
[Potter] There's a good area. Road, building.
[Buck] Taken a few shells, but it looks in good shape.
Is that it?
Road, river, train track goin' west. That's it.
Good. I'll clear it with "l" Corps. Let's go home.
[Explosions]
Hey, Doc, you want us to take him out of here?
No, he can't be moved for a day at least.
What if the enemy comes? You don't wanna be here.
Kid, you got a lot to learn about being a good host.
- [Moaning] - I couldn't agree more.
Doc, I hate to say what I have to say.
- Who told you to say it? - Major Burns.
Then I'm gonna hate to hear what you have to say.
He wants your chair on the truck.
You tell him if he takes this chair, my tuchus will attack him barehanded.
- Your what? - The permanent vertical smile.
Famed in song and story.
Doc, I never even graduated high school.
- Tell him to forget it. - Oh. Okay.
- What's his problem? - He wanted to remove my rest and recreation area.
- How's the boy doing? - Slight movement in the toes.
- Oh, good. - I think we may be all right.
- Listen, son, don't stay here too long. - He needs 24 hours, Colonel.
I know, but if you see a cloud of dust coming down the road...
and start hearing Chinese band music, get this kid on a chopper and get your butt out of here.
- We'll be all right. - Don't forget.
My wife is looking forward to meeting you.
- Kitchen's down. - Well, that's good news.
Here. That's it for the coffee.
Vile to the last drop.
I'll be back in ten minutes. Then you can leave with the others.
I'm staying.
- You finally realized I have a beautiful body. - I've never seen your body!
Every evening at 8:30. Matinees, Wednesday and Saturday.
- Let's keep our relationship medical. - You wanna play "doctor?"
Look, Margaret, I can handle this. Get on the truck and get out of here.
I'm staying with you.
If you need me, I'll be packing up my troubles in my old kit bag.
Where's my tent?
- Did you yell, Hawkeye? - Where's my tent, my clothes, my sneakers, my dirty magazines?
Captain Hunnicutt finished packing up the rest of your gear, sir.
I hope he left me a change of filthy socks.
- He take care of the still? - Major Burns wouldn't let the still go on the truck, sir.
Fink!
He wouldn't let Klinger's dresses or my animals go on the truck neither, sir.
I can understand the dresses, but Snuffy and the Doo-doo twins?
The Smith Brothers of the jelly bean industry.
- They're careless, but they're loyal. - Not as loyal as my still.
All it asks is a little alcohol, some corn mash, and what does it give in return?
Liquid love.
Can you keep a secret, sir?
- Scout's honor. - Were you a Scout?
No, but I was always prepared.
B.J., Klinger and me worked out a little deal with Wat San Yee for the use of his cab.
He's gonna haul the still and the animals and the Klinger collection.
Radar, when all this is over, I'm gonna adopt you.
[Chuckles] I've already got my mother and my Uncle Ed.
I'll sleep on the couch.
Start your engines!
Move out! Yo!
Snuffy gets the carrots. Pokey and the rest get the lettuce.
- Sequins all over the ground! - Take care of yourself.
Same to you!
- Come on, Pokey! - [Bleating]
- What are you doing back here? - You might need me.
[Explosion]
How's he doing?
- [Sighs] Hangin' in there. - [Explosion]
Is today the Fourth of July?
- It's September. - Just a wild hope.
Does the enemy rape female prisoners?
Margaret, there's no reason to be afraid.
Aren't you scared?
Me, scared? This whole body is one white knuckle.
- You don't show it. - The minute this kid is stable and on the chopper...
I may wet my pants and suck my thumb.
Wow, wow. Everybody's heading south. The whole road's jammed up with traffic.
- Must be going to the Rose Bowl game. - What'd you bring?
They left us this stuff. It's a couple cans of Vienna sausage, two cans of Spam...
some dehydrated potatoes and some extra shoelaces.
I'll have the shoelaces, house dressing. And have the chef remove the tips.
- Shoelaces. - Black or brown?
- Brown. - Then make it oil and vinegar.
Is he all right?
He's moving his toes. That's something.
[Explosion]
I wish to hell we hadn't torn down the still. I could use a belt.
Rosie's Bar's still there.
Why don't you go on over? I can handle things here.
What do you say, Radar? Wanna walk over to the gas station for an orange soda?
Then stroll down Main Street to the dry goods store and watch them undress the window dummies.
- That's what we used to do back home every Saturday night. - You mad fools.
[Radar] Boy, the place looks deserted.
[Hawkeye] Everyone likes to leave town on a holiday.
Geez, look at all the trucks.
Nice corner for a taco stand.
Whoa!
- [Horn Beeping] - Hey!
- Yeah, yeah! - That's tellin' 'em, Sheriff.
For Pete's sakes, run a guy down.
Tell it to Truman!
First time I ever got the best table in the house.
Rosie!
- Dr. Stud! - With two D's.
- Time to flee. - One last drink, my wee bonny lassie...
to celebrate our cowardly retreat.
But time to flee.
Rosie, who gave you the blue medicine for your gums?
Hawkeye.
Come on. A double for me and a grape Nehi for Radar.
- No grape Nehi. - Check the wine cellar.
I'd settle for an orange soda.
This is a special occasion. The grape has a more memorable, artificial flavor.
[Explosion]
There's a lady on my foot.
Oh, miss.
This probably isn't your table, but would you scratch the back of my leg?
Ah.
Found! One grape Nehi.
- Let me see. - Oh, boy.
Ahh. Titillating bouquet.
Delicate coloring. Travels well.
- It's bottled in Duluth. - 1951. Good year for Nehi.
Chin-chin.
Mmm. It's still got its fizz.
Would I deny you a belch?
- Missed. - They forgot to pack the cockroaches.
Hey, that's Blue Velvet!
- B.J.'s racing cockroach? - Sure. Look at the limp.
Oh, it is Blue Velvet.
One of the great thoroughbred cockroaches in Korea.
- I'm glad you missed him. - He's sired a lot of winners.
A farewell.
Much sadness in Rosie's heart.
Tear come to eye. To Dr. Hawkeye.
- Healer of sick. - That's sweet, Rosie.
Tab owed... 51 dollars...
55 cents.
You crazy, sentimental kid.
[Radar] Hey! Boy, these guys are sure in a hurry to leave the war.
- Who the hell isn't? - Watch out!
Stop in the name of the Canadian Mounted Police!
I got an idea.
[Tires Screeching, Brakes Squealing]
Granulated eyelids.
- Whoa. - Don't overdo it.
Whoa, my shorts really rode up.
Good. Father Mulcahy needs a soprano.
[Explosion]
Able Bravo One to Able Bravo Two.
We're in C2 section, intersection four. Affirmative. Affirmative.
- Able Bravo One out. - How's it going?
- Who are you? - Dr. Pierce and his loyal minion, Corporal O'Reilly.
Captain Stevens, Intelligence and Recon.
- What's a minion? - You fetch and carry goblets of wine...
you fend off knaves and varlets, and on occasion you find me a toothsome wench.
He's a fun guy. In real life, I'm the company clerk.
- You should have gone south. - We got a patient we can't move yet.
- Where's the front? - You're standing on it.
Oh, to be in England now that war is here.
[Dog Barking]
- Halt! - [Burns] Convoy, halt!
- [Voices Overlapping] Convoy, halt! - Major Burns.
- Yes, sir? - Get latrine and tent detail started.
Set up a mess pre-op and a post-op near the building. I'm gonna check it out for O.R.
Roger Wilco. Sir, I was thinking...
- Colonel Potter, sir? - What is it, Father?
I believe it's customary to bless the site of a new MASH.
Of course. Stand by for the blessing.
Stand by for the blessing!
[Clears Throat]
Hear me, oh Lord.
Hear me, oh Lord!
- [Man] Hear me, oh Lord! - [Man #2] Hear me, oh Lord!
- I'm just trying to help. - The padre does a single.
We thank Thee for guiding us safely to this place...
and ask Thy blessing that we may continue to heal and do Thy work...
and for a speedy end to this war...
I mean, uh, police action.
Uh, well, you know what I mean, Lord. Amen.
- Amen. - Is that it?
- Nothing comes after "amen." - We used to sing.
- Get set up! - Yes, sir.
Nice blessing, Father. Standard prayer?
- It's a golden oldie. - Hunnicutt.
Yes, sir, Colonel.
Let's look over the building. With this retreat, there will be a lot of busted-up kids.
Right.
[Potter] Looks like an abandoned schoolhouse.
[B.J.] Fu Manchu Junior High.
Sir, conflict.
- What now? - We can't find the surgical equipment.
Look in the boxes marked "kitchen utensils."
The ninnies.
[Whistle Blowing]
- Hunnicutt, do me a favor. - Name it, Colonel.
If I'm ever shot, don't let him lay a hand on me.
Same here. I'd hate to have that whistle sewed up inside me.
Where the hell did he get that whistle anyway?
Same place he got his diploma... a box of Cracker Jacks.
[Women Giggling]
- Was that you? - I haven't giggled since my wedding night.
- Who there? - Colonel Sherman Potter, MASH 4077.
Sorry. No appointment. [Giggles]
What does she mean, "No appointment"?
Today is Wednesday. Maybe the dentist is playing golf.
Let me try, Colonel. I know how to knock in Korean.
Sorry. Everybody tired. Big night last night.
- Would you please come out here, madam? - I think you hit it on the head.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Madam, and the others are her ladies of the evening.
Or afternoon or morning as the case may be.
Concubines in a schoolhouse?
Well, they have to learn someplace.
Again.
[Speaking Korean]
Don't give me that static, lady. We're here to establish MASH 4077.
You get your concubines out of here!
- Concubines? - Out lady, now.
Business before war.
- That's what makes America great. - We're here on orders of "I" Corps.
General Irving R. Hamilton commanding.
Ohh, Binky.
- [Whistle Blowing] - Ready to set up the O.R., Colonel.
- Stand by, Major. - Who are they?
- Are there people living here? - The Assistance League.
- Assistance League? - The oldest profession.
- A bakery? - Tarts!
Tarts! Peach, raspberry?
Frank, it's a brothel.
A den of iniquity, in this building?
If you order before 6:00, I'm sure you can get take-out.
It's disgusting!
Colonel, request permission for an armed squad to remove them by force.
Confiscated! Get cracking!
He took my whistle.
Look, lady, you have to move. We're using this building for a hospital.
You gotta set up your... shimmy palace in another spot.
- No. - Listen, sister.
- Me no Catholic. - We'll put all of you in one of our trucks.
We'll take you anyplace you wanna go.
- Throw in a case of chipped beef. - Oh, no.
- I love that after church on toast. - How 'bout Vienna sausage?
- Ohhh. - That got her. She loves Vienna sausage.
[Korean] Oh, dresses!
- Pretty! - Thank you, sis. Hold it, babe.
That's not for sale. That's my confirmation dress. Girls, let's knock it off!
Give me that dress! This ain't Klein's basement. That doesn't look good on you.
Come on, girls. Hold up. Let's behave like gentlemen now!
Don't! You're gonna tear it! Give me that dress.
- My dress! - That's not your dress. I'll kill ya!
Wait a minute! Wait! Come back here!
I've got it. Klinger!
All present and accounted for, sir!
Come over here.
Put that back on the rack next to the pink chiffon.
And watch the collar. It's simulated raccoon. You whistled, sir?
With both lips. Step over here. I wanna talk to you.
Son, those girls are crazy about your clothes.
They're ruining 'em. Look at my black sheath.
Klinger, I'm the first to say you're a fine medic and a snappy dresser.
- I try, sir. - They'll give us the building for the clothes.
What? I got 300 clams invested in those dresses!
We've gotta have an O.R.
But my blue chiffon. It's from Murdoch's of Toledo.
I understand. I've always liked that dress.
My pearls won't go with anything else. Put that chubby back!
- That's real fake fur. - Klinger, we're gonna have wounded coming in here.
The war is going bad for us. We need that building.
It took me three years of my life...
alterations, sewing my fingers to the bone...
staying up all night studying the Monkey Ward catalog...
fighting my way through snipers for the month-end sales at Wangs of Seoul.
Cowboy, do it for your country.
- My country? - Do it for Toledo.
Toledo.
Okay, Colonel.
Ladies, the clothes for the building. It's a deal?
[All Cheering]
[Woman] Look what I got!
[Woman] Look at this!
Corporal Klinger, that's the finest act of bravery I've ever witnessed.
[Explosion]
[Air Hissing]
- What's his blood pressure? - 116 over 80.
I thought you were asleep.
I always wake up when a lady pumps her sphygmomanometer.
Besides, I don't sleep well on a soft wall.
[Explosion]
- What time have you got? - Time to flee.
Captain, you're waxing poetic again.
I also make candles.
- [Gunfire] - He's improving.
With any luck, we'll have him on his feet in time for World War III.
- Perish the thought. - Not to mention the people.
[Radar] The weather's clear.
I can see the stars.
That chopper ought to be here just after dawn.
Is he gonna be able to make it?
Well, he's got his ticket, his matched luggage...
and his souvenir satin pillow that says, "I have visited Korea...
land of the midnight mortar attack."
- How close is the enemy? - That captain said we're in Communist territory.
Oh, thank you, comrade. And get me some borscht. Easy on the sour cream.
- [Groans] - Corporal, have you heard if they're taking prisoners?
I hope not. Chop suey makes me break out
[Loud Explosion]
[Margaret] Pierce, stop that!
[Radar] I'll wait in the jeep.
- Where's the hospital ship? - Off Sinchon.
Give him a smooth ride.
- You think he'll make it? - If they don't get a flat.
[Explosions Continue]
[Margaret] What are you doing?
A big hunk of our lives has been spent here.
Yeah, just think of all the guys we operated on.
Right, Doctor.
- A lot of them didn't make it. - Most of them did.
You should be proud.
You too.
- We better get going. - Yeah, let's go.
- Haven't you noticed anything? - What?
No shelling. No more machine gun fire.
- It's spooky. Let's get out of here. - Come on. Let's go!
[Engine Not Turning Over]
Now what?
- We got plenty of gas. - I'll check the hood.
Yeah, see if the hood's okay.
Hurry up!
Nothing's where it is in my mother's Nash!
What?
- Shh. Listen. - [Vehicles Approaching]
Holy Moly! It sounds like there's a whole battalion coming down the road.
- I'm gonna be ravaged. I know it! - Tell 'em you're with me.
- They're getting closer! - Let's get out of here!
[Margaret And Radar Scream]
[Radar] What?
- Hey! - [All Shouting]
- Hey! - Hey, it's us!
- [Radar] Boy, are we glad to see you! - Convoy, halt!
Convoy, halt!
- Corporal. - What's the scoop?
- Our boys beat 'em back. We're coming home. - Thank God.
- [Bleating] - Hey, Pokey. How are ya?
Hey, Klinger, it was really scary. We were overrun by Chinese almost.
Big deal. I was overrun by a batch of bimbos.
- They got everything but the dress on my back. - Geez, what a gyp.
I can't wear this every day. People will laugh.
Hey, how's Snuffy and the twins? You fed 'em, didn't ya?
- Congratulations. You're a grandfather. - How'd that happen?
Very quickly. I think the twins broke one of the Commandments.
- Oh! Have a cigar. - Thanks.
Oh, Frank, we were surrounded by Chinese. They were breathing down our necks.
- It tickled, but I kind of liked it. - You haven't changed a bit.
Get aboard, Houlihan.
Oh.
Yo!
Think they'll ever finish, Hawk?
Once they pass the bond issue.
- They're goin' awful deep. - Well, they have to. It's polluted.
Remember? Frank fell into it.